Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

This one time I was having "intimate relations" with a married woman when she heard the front door close.

"Quick" she said, "use the back door"

In hindsight I should have run, but you don't get offers like that everyday.

(stolen from Facebook)

[Culprit]

Nurse, "What happened to your fingers?" Me, "You know how chefs cut up vegetables real fast?" Nurse, "Yes fascinating". Me, "Well I discovered I can't do that".

[stui magpie]

Little Johnny rocks up to class with a cat in his backpack and brings it into class with him.

The teacher says to him, whoa there Johnny, what's with the cat?

I had to bring it with me miss. I heard my dad talking to my mum while I was having breakfast and he said, "As soon as Johnny leaves for school I'm going to eat that pussy"

[Culprit]

^^lol

Tonight I’ll be defrosting the fridge or foreplay as the Mrs calls it.

The boss asked me to do a presentation and told me to start with some humor. Cool, my first slide was my payslip.

[Culprit]

I started a nightclub for guys with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop and nobody came.

[Culprit]

I was sitting on the couch and I heard the Mrs ask me with a lovely voice, “What would you like for dinner, chicken beef, or lamb?”. I quickly responded, “Thank you, darling, I’ll go with the chicken”. She quickly retorted. “You are getting soup ya fat bastard, I was talking to the dog”.

[Culprit]

My next-door neighbor went to the Doctor as he was having very bad hearing problems. The doctor asked him, "Can you describe your symptoms"? My Neighbour replies, Yes, Homer is a big fat lump and Marge is a skinny woman with big purple hair.

[Culprit]

I’ve had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got sacked on my first day as a bus driver.

The police came over and showed me a picture. “Is this your wife?”. I said “Yes”. The office then says, “It looks like she’s been hit by a bus”. I responded. “I know, but she’s good with the kids”.

I tried donating blood today, NEVER AGAIN. Too many stupid questions. Who's Blood, is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

[Culprit]

Brought the Mrs one of those mood rings. It’s Black when she’s pissed at me. Dunno if it does any other colours.

[stui magpie]

Today is the 50th anniversary of my Grandfathers death.

Always a sad occasion, I'll never forget his last words to me:

"Stop shaking the fkn ladder you little shit"

[Culprit]

I was laying in bed last night and the Mrs said, "Baby make me scream with one finger". So I poked her in the eye.

[stui magpie]

Something I learned from trail hiking is if you’re ever lost in the woods, do not panic, don’t go off trail, just say loudly and clearly “Elon Musk is not a Genius”. Several of the most obnoxiously nerdy men alive will appear out of nowhere to call you poor; then you can follow them to the parking lot where their Tesla has broken down.


A billionaire built a large pool for his man-eating shark.
At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the offer. Then one night a man jumped in. Everyone stared as the man raced to the end of the pool and hopped out just before the shark took a big chomp at the edge of the pool.

The billionaire started yelling with glee, “Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done that!! Now what would you like? Would you like $10 million?” The man gasped, “No thank you.” He said, “Would you like half of my estate?” The man said, “No thank you.” He said, “Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?” The exasperated man said, “No thank you!”

So the billionaire said, “Well what do you want?”

The man said, “I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in.”



A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farmer’s field.
The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I’m just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to be you.

The donkey turns towards the pig, leers at him, and replies: “Yeah. The pig that was here last year said the same thing.”

[stui magpie]

I went to the GP today for a Prostate exam.

Dropped the pants, got into position and as the Doc came up behind me, he put one hand on my butt check and said, "It's OK Steve, this is a standard procedure, only takes a few seconds, try not to get aroused"

A bit startled, I replied with "But my names Stui, not Steve"

"I know" said the Doc, "My name is Steve" Hellooooooooooooo

[Culprit]

My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents when she got a flat tyre. So I called my parents and said, "Sorry Mum. we're going to be late as my girlfriends got a puncture. "Oh", she sighed, "I thought you had a real one this time"

[stui magpie]

Little Johnny goes up to his dad and says "Dad, why do they hang horses?"

Dad says to Johnny, mate, they don't hang horses, no one hangs horses, where did you hear that?

Johnny replies, " I just heard Mum telling Aunty Ethel that her new boss was hung like a horse"

Why can't miss Piggy count to 70?
When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.