Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

pica · Post by **pica** » Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:19 am

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

pica · Post by **pica** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:34 pm

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the lake when he decided to take a pee.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well , I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the lead shot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

BJ · Post by BJ » Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:24 pm

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

Skids · Post by **Skids** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 4:47 pm

Dads 86yrs' old, still loves his golf and hits a mean drive but his vision is crap and he can't see where his ball lands. He says to mum "I'm giving this away, me eyes are shot" Mum knows how nuch he loves getting out and says why don't you take my brother Frank?
Dad goes "He's in his 90s isn't he?" Mum tells him he is but he has perfect vision and can spot the ball for Dad.

Sunday comes and Dad & Frank head off to the golf course. Dad cracks a ripper off the first and turns to Frank "Did you see that?!"
"Sure did" says Frank.
"Where'd it land?" asks Dad
"I can't remember" says Frank

Buttsy-Bells · Post by **Buttsy-Bells** » Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:04 pm

I saved a woman from being raped last weekend..

.. couldn't crack a fat

Aussie touring in Ireland pulls into a milk bar and asks the owner "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin ?"

Irishman says "Would you be walkin' or would you be drivin' ?"

Aussie says "We'll be driving"

Irishman "Well, that is the quickest way!"

Post by **think positive** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:02 pm

tuck in a Traffic Jam
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'

Post by **stui magpie** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:26 pm

^

Love it. I'm stealing that.

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:44 pm

Things don't always work out the way you want.

5150 · Post by **5150** » Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:45 pm

HAL wrote:Things don't always work out the way you want.

Thats because there are 3 types of people in this world HAL...

Those who can count and those who cant...

WarrenerraW · Post by **WarrenerraW** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:10 am

this goes down a treat when you sms it to your mates

Hey are you free from 27th sep to 2nd oct. You'll never believe it but I've just won and all expenses trip to the AFL Grand Final on talkback radio! It's for me and 10 mates in a corporate box and we're staying at Crown. We leave on sep 27 and return on oct 2.
So if you're free could you put my bins out and check my mail. Thanks.

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:14 am

Don't mention it.

5150 · Post by **5150** » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:12 pm

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Post by **stui magpie** » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:13 pm

^

Post by **David** » Tue Jul 26, 2011 11:14 pm

Ape - Russell Edson

You haven't finished your ape, said mother to father, who had monkey hair and blood on his whiskers.

I've had enough monkey, cried father.

You didn't eat the hands, and I went to all the trouble to make onion rings for its fingers, said mother.

I'll just nibble on its forehead, and then I've had enough, said father.

I stuffed its nose with garlic, just like you like it, said mother.

Why don't you have the butcher cut these apes up? You lay the whole thing on the table every night; the same fractured skull, the same singed fur; like someone who died horribly. These aren't dinners, these are postmortem dissections.

Try a piece of its gum, I've stuffed its mouth with bread, said mother.

Ugh, it looks like a mouth full of vomit. How can I bite into its cheek with bread spilling out of its mouth? cried father.

Break one of the ears off, they're so crispy, said mother.

I wish to hell you'd put underpants on these apes; even a jockstrap, screamed father.

Father, how dare you insinuate that I see the ape as anything more than simple meat, screamed mother.

Well, what's with this ribbon tied in a bow on its privates? screamed father.

Are you saying that I am in love with this vicious creature? That I would submit my female opening to this brute? That after we had love on the kitchen floor I would put him in the oven, after breaking his head with a frying pan; and then serve him to my husband, that my husband might eat the evidence of my infidelity ' ?

I'm just saying that I'm damn sick of ape every night,
cried father.

Post by **stui magpie** » Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:11 pm

A man sees his wife watching a cooking show. He asks her "Why are you watching that? You can't cook!" She replies "Well you watch porn."

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Jokes Jokes and More Jokes